Lately things haven’t been going well for me, in a way that’s okay though because I think I’ll be able to get through it. The only issue is the lack of people in my area that I have to talk to and who will listen, because I can’t be left alone when I’m depressed. As long as there is someone near who cares about me I do just fine, the only issue is when I’m left alone with my thoughts. When I’m depressed and alone my mind thinks many horrible and destructive thoughts. For example in the time it takes to write this my brain will have come up with at least three ways to kill myself with the materials surrounding me. I’ve drank so much caffeine that it would stop the hearts of ten women just to make myself feel a bit better and stop my brain from being so stupid. I could use a distraction from my own thoughts right now.
This is pretty much my dress selection process as well. Claire is pretty adorkable and relate-able. This is a comic made by Jeph Jaques from his series Questionable Content and this strip in particular can be found here [x]
This pretty much describes a conversation I had once with a friend of mine about heels (Me being Claire). This is a comic made by Jeph Jaques from his series Questionable Content and this strip in particular can be found here [x]
Ever since I was little I have always loved babies. They are just the cutest things ever to me. I used to babysit for a lot of my neighbors and family members because I just wanted to be around babies and take care of them. They are just the greatest and I hope to have one of my own in the future. Although for as long as I can remember I’ve always been sad that I’ll never physically be able to give birth to my own child.
When I was little I had almost no understand on how babies where born other than the fact my dad told me they came out of a mommy. Of course being a little kid I just thought, then I’ll be the mommy, I never did learn about different sexes until later. I don’t know why but I’ve always had this feeling, this need, to give birth to a child at some point. I used to even fake pregnancy with some of my friends by stuffing things into the belly of my shirt until it looked like I had a baby bump. It was only until 5th grade that I was told it’s impossible for males to do so. Honestly I was kind of devastated because for some reason I really want to, need to, give birth to a child myself no matter what the costs. Ever since then sometimes when I look back on that I remember I’ll never be able to get pregnant and it makes me sad or sometimes depressed. I know I’ll be able to have my own baby one day because I’m perfectly healthy and fertile it just won’t be the way I want it, or rather need it to be.
Originally growing up I was never taught anything about makeup, nothing whatsoever. So now in college I’ve been having to teach myself through online tutorials how to do my own makeup. A few of my friends have been nice enough to help me out with makeup as well. Lately it’s been getting easier to do and I can do it in less time now. Although I have this feeling that I don’t look all that great or I look horrible and people are just saying I look good; but when I look in the mirror all I can think is, “Damn I look good.” So even if other people think I look bad I don’t care I think I look great and pretty damn sexy.
Lately I’ve been growing my hair out. I like it longer, it’s nice and makes me happy. Although people have apparently started to feel like it’s okay to make inappropriate comments about, or harass me for my hair. Not surprisingly most of this is coming from my family members. My family, especially my parents, always feels that it’s okay to constantly harass me and put me down when I do something that makes me happy that they don’t like. I just want them to leave me alone, it’s my hair, my body, and my life.
A few days ago I once again participated in Relay for Life. It’s lots of fun and all the money goes to a good cause making it even better. This year though I attended it as a girl. I put on my poorly homemade fake boobs, and did my best makeup magic to come to the relay as a girl. I also brought my Slenderman costume to dress up in and scare people later in the day with. I got to work the booth with my wonderful and loving girlfriend. She even bought me food so I wouldn’t starve at the relay. I repaid her with hugs and kisses, although I got a lot of my lip gloss on her face. She did have some small issues with me as a girl, but she still loved me and that meant the world to me. Later on though she made fun of my fake boobs which oddly made me feel kind of bad. I know they aren’t the best because they aren’t professionally made and I do like it when people are truthful with me. If I look bad I like people to let me know so I can try and fix things, it’s also nice when people find out how to be nice about things like that. In the end I had a great and girly time at Relay for Life and I loved the time I spent with my girlfriend there. I would love to do that again.
Lately the past few days I’ve been feeling crappy and depressed. I’ve been thinking why that is and trying to find an answer. I probably found the answer I was looking for. I’m gonna go back and see my consoler again to try and sort the issues out. Hopefully things go well, nothing is guaranteed though.